one word

all of the opinions. all of the i’m right and you’re wrongs. all of the anger when someone’s view is different. all of the “facts.” all of the egos. one feeling is universal: grief. that’s all there is. the rest is white noise. i don’t give a fuck what you think about gun control, religion, politics, and insults right now. 

i’ve been too busy crying and “going there,” even without having watched any coverage, to be of any use. i’ve been listening to music that helps me empathize, and go deeper inside, because i can’t stop myself. 

running in the cold rain the other day, i thought, this isn’t shit compared to what they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. the rain they’ll be plodding through. the warm tears mixed with the cold rain, was the comparison between my life and theirs. i have been spared.

as i washed my six year old son’s blankie this morning, i thought to myself, i will never be the same. as i coddled my ill 8 year old son all day today, i thought to myself, anything, anything, anything to protect you and your brother. 

the terror for me is knowing the fear those babies felt, and the helplessness of the parents left behind. 

“the face on you, the smell on you, will always be with me.” – sinead o’connor

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